A Message From Babette and the Stockdale paradox

26th March 2021

Babette Bluett-Duncan

Director

Feeling down

As I write (March 19th)  I am feeling very mortal, rather down, and reflective. Many of you have fed back to me that my positivity and general attitude are an inspiration, and I was touched to read it. But should it really be an inspiration? Or am I using my natural "Glass Half Full "view of the world to hide the fact that I have a mortal disease? It is so difficult to live isn't it, I mean, I find it difficult to know what is right, or not so right. There are so many different views of the world, and most are valid. I mean, most people manage to live, have families, hold a job, generate love around them, and this whether they are a hippy style or a strict military one, whether they believe in life after this one, with or without religious connotations, or perhaps that there is nothing after this one...

I have been saying I am lucky to be given time to get used to my passing, compared to being hit by a bus. But am I being totally unaware, unconscious, and refusing to face the facts? The facts are not too exciting. My visible tumour is spreading, to be specific, the bigger tumour has stopped after the German treatment, but many small ones are appearing around it, and I will attempt to have radiotherapy on it, as I understand from a chat with Arcadia that nothing else would deal with it, and as the oncologist had also mentioned radiotherapy for these surface metastases. It won't be what will kill me I am told, but it could become inflamed and carpet like, apparently there is a French term used to describe this type of cancer which is "Cancer en cuirasse", cuirasse being an armour, bit yukky. So this is spreading, and I can see it, and I find it slightly scary. And also, as I write I have still not met with my oncologist here, consequence of covid I guess, though we are to meet next week.

Is seeing the spread the main reason why I am down' more than when I was told I had tumours on my liver? Because I could ignore these for a lot of my waking hours? Or am I getting used to the fact that I have very slim chances to still be alive next year? But I also often talk about fear, as in, not giving in to fear because what will fear change?

And yet I realised yesterday that since my return, I have, de facto, been living as if I was going to live to 90, which is not per se, a bad idea (Positive Visualisation does work), BUT what then happened is that I was back in the kitchen, back on my feet long hours, consciously happy to cook for us all, including my new special diet, back to my "old" self. I realised yesterday that I was exhausted, and had stopped doing some of what I learnt at Arcadia. So, after an open chat with Jeanne and Josie, we have decided that I was going to exit the kitchen, sit at my sewing machine or the piano, when I want to be doing something, and otherwise give Babette some quality time, whilst they kindly take on the shared job of cooking for the family. I wanted to share this with you, to share how difficult it is to do that, or how easy it is to go back in old habits. So, one day at a time, and with kindness towards myself and my slow learning. Slow learning is better than no learning.

NDE's (Near Death Experiences)

In Germany, I learnt about Living Well with Cancer, or Striving with a Cancerous Condition as Henning calls his precis, and I shall endeavour to continue to do that. When I was in my twenties, I read about people having had an NDE, Near Death Experiences, and that marked me profoundly, it gave me a sense of peace in the afterlife, and even sometimes I have been heard to say "I can't wait to be dead, to see whether there is a meaning, and what it is, and see how much of it I understood when I was still alive, I am really curious about finding that out." And yet this does not mean that I want to go, at least not quickly, I feel I still have so much to do, to accomplish, to help with. But the reason why I mentioned the NDE's is that what people who have come back all seem to agree on is that All that matters is  Love, and then Learning. Love as in "What makes others feel loved", and Learning not as in learning the encyclopaedia by heart, but in learning how things work, function, trying to make sense of what doesn't seem to make sense at first glance. And this I have been doing, I still do, or rather I mean I still try to do: spreading as much kindness, understanding, good feelings, recognition on this planet as I can, and continue to be curious, nosy, querying, and researching. What makes me a good person, what makes me a good mum, a good wife, a good friend? What can I learn, and accomplish, and change for me and around me? But for now, I mean for today, it means looking after Babette, do little, feel a lot, be brave to kindly tell people when they hurt me, be brave to thank people when they make me feel seen, recognised, and loved.

Stockdale Paradox

As I re-read this the following day, (March 20th) I see that I am in the middle of the Stockdale Paradox that you may recall Andrew describing some weeks ago. Believing that I will come out of this, being positive and generally fearless, but not at the price of facing the brutal facts of my reality. Yesterday was a day to share with you my brutal facts, and OMG that is hard, but today I am back on my horse, back feeling that being depressed and fearful will not help me. I am an extremely lucky lady, blessed with the ability to reflect, and with the support of my husband and family, who put up with change of moods on top of my reduced input in family life, and of some friends who know how to listen without trying to fix the situation, able to refrain their own anxieties about death when listening to me, and  I'm so lucky with all of you rooting for me and asking me to share my path. Writing updates is very therapeutic for me, because I think of you, and it makes me think more clearly,  as I want to be clear to you. So a huge thank you for reading what I  write, and for all those who are taking/have taken the time to write to me.

Kindest of  Regards.

Babette

babette@artoflivingcookshop.co.uk<mailto:babette@artoflivingcookshop.co.uk>

PS: On a different and fun note, I have been playing with a Emile Henry Cloche a Pain (bread cloche) that Magimix is giving  away with the purchase of some of their bzoom bzoom machines (... French slang for food processor).To be precise it's the 4200XL and 5200XL models

which you can find here 

More details next week.