The Delicate Dance of Parenting and a Proper Wok Offer

One of my favourite suppliers, Dexam, have an offer on their School of Wok range, and interestingly, they’re stopping production of their non-stick versions.  I’ll come back to that shortly.

Julia Samuel, who inspired last week’s challenge (“put your phone away for 20 minutes a day”), has done it again. Her latest piece tackles the rather tricky business of parenting adult children. As she puts it, “it’s a delicate dance of connection and autonomy.” The trouble is, no one tells you when to change the tune. There’s no ceremony where you hand back your parental control badge and switch from “I want you to do it this way” to “what do you think the best approach is?”

One minute you’re keeping them alive with broccoli and bedtime rules, and the next you’re meant to stand graciously by, while they make their own (sometimes incomprehensible) life choices.

Parenting adult children
And you might be wondering why this topic has caught my attention. Well, I have three adult children, all of whom have left home and then returned (sometimes several times) for a variety of reasons, and with whom I get on very well… usually.

So, until last week, it was just Jeanne left living with me, but Jonathan, my eldest, is between places and has just moved back in for a while. We usually have dinner together on a Thursday night, a chance to catch up.  Last Thursday, however, was the exception. For whatever reason, I came back feeling decidedly grumpy, and instead of a convivial evening together, I managed to have a go at all of them for various things. Not my finest moment.

I did apologise afterwards, for ‘how’ I made my observations rather than ‘what’ I said, but it struck me that Julia’s piece on parenting might have been very useful to have read and digested, before I lost my rag.  She reminded me that this stage of parenting is less about managing and more about supporting.  Letting go of control, that old chestnut, but doesn’t mean walking away, rather, shifting from command to collaboration.  She suggests we think twice before offering advice, especially of the unsolicited variety. It turns out that “Have you thought about"… can still trigger eye-rolling, even in a 35-year-old, she says.

Listening, she adds, is the new superpower. Proper listening, that is, without interrupting, without judging, and without quietly planning our counterargument. It’s about curiosity, not correction…. wise wise words Julia.  Finally, she encourages parents to embrace the changes as "mutual growth". Our children aren’t the only ones evolving; we are too. The goal, Julia says, is a relationship built on respect, equality and kindness, more partnership than parenthood.

In short, less “because I said so,” and more “tell me how that feels.” And perhaps, every now and then, biting our tongues before offering that ‘helpful’ suggestion.  I rather wish I’d bitten mine last Thursday, listened a little more, and found gentler, more ‘hearable’ ways to make my points. I particularly liked Julia’s thought that “curiosity" is a better way forward than “correction”.  Am I alone in experiencing these challenges? I suspect not, but I’d love to hear how you coped (or didn’t).  

To product…
For some time now, Dexam have been producing carbon steel woks, both coated (non-stick) and uncoated/unseasoned. And they’ve been doing it in collaboration with Jeremy Pang the author, TV personality and owner of The School of Wok, in Covent Garden.

We’ve never stocked the non-stick ones, because on carbon steel, the coating is far too vulnerable to heat, and in short order, depending on how you cook, you’ll have no non-stick left at all.   Plain, unseasoned woks are fine for those who know how to season them from scratch or are happy to build up a patina over time.  The patina, incidentally, gives the wok a semi non-stick surface which is pretty bomb proof, so long as you don’t wash it off.

A couple of years ago, I asked Bryony Dyer at Dexam if she’d consider producing a pre-seasoned version. Obliging girl that she is, she did, and we now stock them in four variations: three flat-bottomed and one round-bottomed.  And, they’ve since become some of Dexam’s best sellers.

Last month they ran a promotion, which prompted me to buy in a shedload, and then, with my uncanny knack for putting two and two together and getting the right number, I thought I’d better tell you about them!  I am, it may be said, gradually getting the hang of this retail lark, along with, on the odd occasion, a little marketing thrown in, which I believe is what this message to you is classed as.

So, why a Wok and what’s good about Dexam’s Pre-seasoned Woks?

For authentic far Eastern food, quick cooking on a high heat means the vegetables and proteins and are cooked fresh and crisp but it’s the Wok’s specific capabilities that ensures the food is not then overcooked and steamed during the process.

First, a confession: I don’t cook stir-fries, so don’t use a wok myself. What follows is based on 50 years of working with pans and metals, and on the experiences of colleagues whom I trust.

Wok cooking usually demands high heat, so avoid non-stick woks, unless it’s a heavy-gauge aluminium ceramic coated version (Greenpan do an ok one). The non-stick coating on carbon steel will more than likely burn off on first use, or at the very least start to degrade. And then it’s all down hill. Just don’t go there.

Cast iron woks are fine, slow to heat up, but pretty well indestructible.
Carbon steel, though, is the classic choice. It’s thin, light, and while it doesn’t spread heat that quickly, compared to say cast-iron, it does the job of being hot on the bottom and cooler on the sides, very well. This suits the fast, high-heat cooking style that’s been used in the East for centuries.

The upside of an uncoated carbon steel wok is that there’s very little to go wrong. There’s no coating to fail, and if you buy a pre-seasoned one, it’s ready to go straight out of the box.  The process of self-seasoning can be intimidating*, the sort of thing that sets off your smoke alarms, takes a good deal of time and leaves you rueing the day you didn’t go for the pre-seasoned variety.

The downside of pre-seasoned woks? Don’t put it in the dishwasher. It’ll come out covered in rust, upsetting enough, and you’ll also strip away that precious seasoning you’ve paid for. Much better to dry it thoroughly after washing, or even just wipe it clean with a kitchen towel, depending on what you’ve cooked.

*The process of seasoning and actually a whole raft of information Wok related can be found in our very own Wok buying Guide

The range we stock:

Flat-bottomed: suitable for gas, solid plate, and induction hobs

• 10.5" from RRP £40 to £34.00 (suitable for 1-2 people)
• 12” from RRP £48 to £39.50 (suitable for 2-3 people)
• 14” from RRP £60 to £49.50 (suitable for 4-6 people)

Round-bottomed (traditional style): for gas hobs only

• 13” from RRP £50 to £39.50 (suitable for 3-4 people)

They’re all solid, practical, well-made woks that will serve you for years, and, as with most things in life (and parenting), they get better with a little patience and care. There, look at that, Paul will be pleased with me, I’ve brought the arguments, analogies et al, full circle….. Phew!

That's it for this week.

I hope you have a pleasant and peaceful weekend.

Warm regards,