An Update from Babette

19th June 2021

Babette Bluett-Duncan

Director

Unfortunately my cancer has taken a turn for the worse. And I am more and more wanting to spend time with myself and my very dear, as I do not have much energy, together with having a fair amount of pain.

It started during the holiday week Andrew and I took, in a cottage, in Mid-May. I had some change of medication, and some reaction to shrimps one evening, and spent most of that week in pain, but with the joy that as we were on “holiday”, Andrew was free 24/7 for me which was simply marvellous.

Return to home sweet home, discussion with the GP, 111 and St Catherine’s Hospice, I discovered with awe and gratitude that our system does work, that there are gazillions of people out there around me ready to help, (and en passant, that the more polite and grateful I am, the more help I get). Most of you know that I went to Germany, and one of the difficulties in my situation was that I was running out of the pain killer I came back with, and that I had to adapt to some more commonly used here, understand the conversions, and swap. Well, it… nearly worked, and I had a very unpleasant 48h with symptoms of “cold Turkey” (feeling clammy, shivering, stomach cramps, and full blown sense of panic) and then a very clever young doctor, who specialised in end of life, found the drug I needed to take in order to calm all these cold turkey symptoms, together with a prescription of anti-anxiety tablets. In the course of this I twice ended up phoning 999, to end up in A&E.

So life has been slightly turbulent at AoL Headquarters since Mid-May, culminating, as Andrew mentioned last week, in a week long spell in East Surrey from which I came out to the most pleasant and warm of week-ends (that is last week-end as you read this). So, this was a bit of the narrative, now let me get to my understanding of the physical evolution of my cancer, and then, I really wish to share what this episode has given me, what it has made me think, see and where my heart is today.

I won’t go into the details of what Andrew called my “Tummy” problems”, as many of you will read this at breakfast, and we are in Britain after all, so let’s keep a minimum of restraint (restraint which my dear Andrew has spent at least 28½ of the 29 years we have been together trying to teach me!).

So my cancer, is known as Triple Negative, meaning that it is not touched by 3 of the “methods” used to successfully treat most breast cancers out there. The Triple negative is a strong cancer, a “baddy”, it goes fast. After starting in the breast, it spread to the liver and to the lungs, then into the bones. So I have some pain in a number of different places, but thankfully, under the care of the Palliative team of St Catherine, I am kept nearly pain free as they are around 24/7, with a team of knowledgeable people who listen, know their stuff and even advise to go to A&E in some cases. I also have the support of a very responsive GP practice and the Hospital Oncology team. Add the District Nurses to the equation and I am back to where I started this email: crying in awe and gratitude at how well our system works.

I am also slowly be made aware of my part in the “working of the system”. I had a zoom chat with Henning the doctor in Germany some 10 days ago, and we were discussing ways to feel better, as indeed there is no known cure to the Triple Negative. So with kindness and empathy, he asks me what I want to do with the life I am yet to live, (In opposition to be scared by death, I think, and just react to this last one, instead of still feeling alive). And I loved hearing the question, and also the positivity with which Henning has always supported me, so I didn’t need any time to think, I answered “I want to love more, better, I want to spread intelligent love…” and that brought a lovely smile to his face, and it made me feel so supported, and in my heart I prayed, and asked Whoever is up there to send me some “small jobs”. I feel too weak and unpredictable, from 1 day to another, to be able to take on new clients, new lessons, but when I feel good, I love listening to others and helping if I can. And since then, Life has sent me/put me in situations where I have been able to use my brain, knowledge, skills to help bring some understanding, some comprehension to the world around me.

One anecdote I wish to tell you. When I first went to A&E end of May, Andrew and I were waiting in one of the cubicles where I had been waiting on a bed and a porter came in, pulling a face, interrupted the conversation I was having with Andrew, and said something like “I have to take you” with a very cold voice and I remember the implication seemed to be “why aren’t you already ready for me?”. I tried to make him laugh (ah ah!), relax, and to regain my sense of “you do not have to tell me off” but the man was impenetrable, I could see “hate for humanity” in his eyes, and both Andrew and I were utterly shocked by his rudeness and his display of North Korea like attitude. It increased by the definite fear that I could read in the nursing staff around him.. He did not have his name clearly showing, so I never knew his name. On returning home, I was SO sure that I was going to file a complaint, and then it turned out that I had to go back to A&E the following day, so I suppose I am trying to paint the picture that however cross I had been at this man, I was also rather busy with my body symptoms.

Anyhow, here I am back at East Surrey and he was either not on duty or in another part of the hospital, so I didn’t see him. Then a week passed, and here I am thinking philosophically about what is left ahead of me. Andrew then inspired me with a book he is reading which I think he has shared bits of with you called “Love your enemies”. I am always touched when things “cross over”. I mean, if I am in a church or temple and someone has a book “love your enemies” then whatever my views on the topics, it is in harmony with the place. But when Andrew found this book through some clever business guy, I was more intrigued that if a nun had mentioned it to me. So, here I am, feeling Andrew’s love daily, being given a renewed view on why loving our enemies makes utter sense, even for business relationships.

Then a week later, here I am, going to A&E again with my “tummy problems” Andrew referred to last week. I go from the waiting room, to a triage room, to a bed in a cubicle waiting for a doctor to examine the symptoms I had. I was very peaceful, prepared, with laptop, phone, chargers, book, writing stuff and even food, yes I was in a very good place. Then, lo and behold, whom do I see behind a curtain but that very porter. And I thought, a bit frantically “Oh my, what do I do, loving my enemies, yes, but I don’t want him to get away with what he did, he has to be stopped, but how do I say something without adding a new dose of miscomprehension in the world”. I was aware that I do have the ability to tell someone off, to be quite direct etc… and I also felt the urge to act fast, as he wasn’t going to be behind my curtain forever, so I said, in a rather loud voice “How are you today sir?”, he hardly moved/reacted and somehow expressed that he didn’t know me/what I was talking about, so he was very close to dismissing me and the whole thing, so I added ”When we met last, you were not very well”… (The understatement of the century ?) He looked his grumpy self and started to mumble “yeah, you know, sometimes,…, one doesn’t feel 100%..” and then looked at me sideways it seemed, and pushed the empty trolley he had been dealing with, and still mumbling added “but thank you for asking” and left.

Phew! My, wasn’t I pleased. I noticed with joy that I never felt cross at him, as I was empowered to stand up for myself, I didn’t need to be cross, as I looked for a win-win solution, I didn’t need to be rude myself in retaliation, I even had some empathy for him after that.

So, here I am, reflecting on life, thanking the Universe for all these little episodes. I have also finally accepted to accept!. More on this another time, but I am getting freshly baked bread delivered to my door, meals delivered warm and the friends who have cooked it staying with us for dinner which brightens up the evenings. It’s great really, it’s like it used to be when I cooked before, some pretty good food being produced, but this time round there is no shopping, no washing up, with great company and always the option to say no thanks to this last one.

This week I have the added bonus of the visit of my “heart sister”, a cousin of mine known as Grande Jeanne in our family. She is in quarantine with us, braved the faff and utter complications of crossing the channel in the current pandemic situation. She has been coming to us ever since the children were tiny (hence the Grande Jeanne v Petite Jeanne, who, for those of you who know her is certainly not petite anymore) and being part of the family, she is of great support not just to me but to everyone in the Bluett-Duncan family so, I am extremely grateful for all her efforts to come and support us in our hour of need.

I want to finish today by thanking you, I know I said it before, but writing to you, some of you I know less than others granted, but still, your presence, your existence and your feedback, add something to my life, help me feel less alone.

I will also ask our tecky guy to create this as a blog post in it’s own right (I hear we have had glitches so you might need to click on more than 1 button (just scroll down a bit! Andi)) because so many of the answers I receive are “too beautiful to be only read by me”.

Please be brave to answer publically what you are tempted to write to me alone. The world needs more sharing, we all need/want to know more about the depths of our hearts, and we do not have many occasions, many platforms, to be real.

Thank you for reading,

Babette
babette@artoflivingcookshop.co.uk