Andrew Bluett-Duncan

No email this week and Nora McInerny

13 November 2021

Andrew Bluett-Duncan

Director 

There is no email today I'm afraid, because I'm away for the weekend with my brother's (Jim) family who are celebrating my sister in laws (Babs)...birthday. They are renting a house in or around Dent in Yorkshire and have invited me to join them. But I've a wee story to tell you before I push off. 

One of the consequences of being a relatively recent widower is the quality of the conversations that I find I'm having with friends and one such with Henriette, the widow of Simon Silverwood, of Silverwood Bakeware fame, occurred a couple of days ago. During this conversation she mentioned an American girl, now in her late 30's or early 40's, called Nora McInerny, who gave a TED Talk on grief and the story she tells is that in the space of two months in 2014 she lost a baby, her father and her husband, the latter two to cancer. Conversation stopping stuff. 

One of the aspects that struck me forcibly, aside from the fact that she makes watching her a pleasure (quite an achievement considering the content) is this. She discovers that she is not the only one who has a strong dislike of the phrase "Moving On" in the context "getting over" your beloved dead person. She says that we don't "move on" from grief, we "move forward with it". 

I haven't yet formulated the right words to describe the huge release that this statement has already allowed me. But a part of it, at any rate, is along the lines of "I don't, over time, have to gradually forget Babette, (move on) I can actually take her with me on my journey (moving forward with her), and you've no idea how comforting that is! 

If you are happy, in turn to cry and to laugh and to hear someone talk about what is taboo in our society, then take a risk and spend 15 mins 6 secs out of your day to watch this video. 

I hope you have a pleasant and peaceful weekend.

Andrew

5 comments

  • AnneNov 13, 2021

    Dear Andrew I hope you enjoyed your weekend.
    I have just watched the video on grief and i so agree with the idea of moving on with ,which I haven’t heard expressed before .
    Thank you for sharing that and all your other thoughts over the last few weeks.
    I had said to Babette that I personally dislike the expression “ I lost …” rather than so and so died. It’s as if we are afraid of the seeming finality of the word. To me the word lost seems that we were almost careless but maybe for some it speaks of the hope of ‘finding’ someone again. She was an amazingly strong and inspirational person and you share a lot of her traits.

  • AnneNov 13, 2021

    Dear Andrew I hope you enjoyed your weekend.
    I have just watched the video on grief and i so agree with the idea of moving on with ,which I haven’t heard expressed before .
    Thank you for sharing that and all your other thoughts over the last few weeks.
    I had said to Babette that I personally dislike the expression “ I lost …” rather than so and so died. It’s as if we are afraid of the seeming finality of the word. To me the word lost seems that we were almost careless but maybe for some it speaks of the hope of ‘finding’ someone again. She was an amazingly strong and inspirational person and you share a lot of her traits.

  • MaggieNov 13, 2021

    Whatever you do, please do not stop with your emails. In a very difficult place right now and find comfort……… enjoy your weekend …….

  • Jane Brown Nov 13, 2021

    Dear Andrew, I always thought of Babette as such an inspirational woman who was loved by many and will always be sorely missed especially by you and all her family. Your words over the last few weeks have been so meaningful and thought provoking.
    I love your words of moving on and taking Babette with you, enjoy your weekend away……Jane ❤️

  • ClareNov 13, 2021

    Couldn’t agree with you more Andrew. My husband and I were both widowed in our early fifties after long marriages. This Moving On concept is derived from Kubler-Rosses’ work with terminally ill patients. She noted they went through the stages of grief we all know so well, sadness, depression, denial, anger, acceptance which generally worked with such patients because for them there was an ending, their own death. And many such patients do emotionally work towards an acceptance and thus move on. This model was then applied to absolutely everything (!) But for the bereaved there is no moving on, only moving forward. I have seen this video of Nora previously. It is amazing what the human spirit can bear. I love your shop and your staff.

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